Just Hanging On

I haven't written in several months. I'm well aware. Life has been busy which shouldn't be an excuse but I'm going to stick with it. Here's the deal: since my last blog post I got engaged, changed jobs, studied full time since job change, was the maid of honor in a wedding, took three financial tests, and became a hermit to avoid the heat. I am out of the loop with the top songs on the radio and what is going on with the government. These seem insignificant until you go months at a time without being in the know. I have avoided blogging because I did not know exactly what life update and advice I could pass along. I did not want to face the reality of providing a life update at a time I was in chaos and uncertainty.

In short, wedding planning and new work have taken over my life to a level I could not have dreamed. The short synopsis of wedding planning thus far is that a lot is done. We have picked a date, location, bridal party, dress, colors, food (kinda), and other things I'm not sharing before the guests see it for themselves. It is fun but stressful. I don't even begin to know how much is still left to do. I bought a wedding planning binder but I haven't looked at it much. You begin to realize how much you do and do not care about certain things and do not need a list telling you what to do. I don't care about table runners but my mom does so we are having table runners. My fiance is a good sport and is letting me make most decisions. He knows that wedding day logistics matter more to me than to him. I ask for feedback and he provides it accordingly. It is a lot of odd compromises that come together to form a full day in the end.

But the new job. I was at my old job from July 2016 to May 2017. It was boring cubicle job where I wasn't making myself any better and I wasn't helping enough people directly. I wanted to leave it sooner but I struggled to find something I liked and something I had a few qualifications for. HR departments did not want to gamble on a psychology major with health and religion minors who listed architecture photography, park and recreation, and cubicle experience under skills and activities. I was a hodge podge of talents without a directed focus and plan. Eventually I applied for a financial services company and was hired on as a full time studier for the summer. Industry regulations require some standardized testing before becoming an official representative. Part of my hermit summer could be chalked up to studying for tests full time. I was at the Urbandale library often enough the workers noticed my haircut and when I sat at a table other than my usual one. Studying went ok. It was difficult and not fun.

The sense of impending failure was imminent as I studied. I had a hard time telling people what I was doing for a living because I didn't want to tell them about my job, only to turn around in a few months and say I was unemployed. What would I put on resume? "Unsuccessfully studied for securities exam and failed with flying colors?" I kept to myself because I didn't want to admit failure ahead. If no one knew the job was even on the table it would be easier to tell them about the next one and leave out the failure part. The good news is I passed the necessary exams and can do my job. I still struggle with admitting my work to people because the sense of potential embarrassment from failure. It sounds funny to say out loud how worried I was about failing. I was not one to fail things (minus a college biology test once, but that is another story) and this would be my biggest failure to date. I can't tell you how many times I was told in school to have no fear of failure but it was impossible this summer. Anything could happen and I had no back up plan.

I had two tests to take and was extremely uneasy about the first one. My practice test scores were low and my mentor monitoring my progress through the study program was encouraging but not optimistic. We spoke to the reality of not passing. I was so convinced I wasn't going to pass I was job searching the night before the test. I passed; not with flying colors, but that final computer screen said "pass" and that is really all that matters. I took my second test and failed. I could tell as I took it I was going to fail. It was a very factual feeling. It wasn't a matter of being under prepared but rather what I had studied based on the program was not what showed up on the test. Oh well. I was a mess. I cried the 20 minute drive home from the test center and was so distraught I started to head west on the interstate instead of east toward home (having been to the testing center several times before).

Cole and I headed to the Twin Cities after my test and I was still quite upset but ready to not think about securities regulation for four straight days. I happened to meet another representative from my company that night and we talked through the tests and how miserable they were. I didn't quite have the heart to tell him I failed one that morning. He disclosed he had also failed the same test I had and it provided more comfort than I could have gotten anywhere else. I was able to take a different test the following week that would satisfy industry requirements for now. I have another one to take at a later date but I will be prepared for that level of difficulty this time around.

The reality is career changes are terrifying in a lot of ways. Nobody wants to admit they failed anything. I can hope that I become successful and it will make my uneasiness about this potential career failure seem like small potatoes. I have a postcard hanging in my office that says, "90% of life is about hanging on." It has become my new career motto. Sometimes just a little belief in yourself can go a long way. If I just keep moving forward I will be ok. If you need me, I'll be just hanging on.