I bid you “Adieu,” 27

As my birthday approaches and year 27 comes to a close, I hope to look back on this age many years from now and remember it as fondly as I do now. While the last year has been hard for many reasons, I have been grateful for the (ample) time to reflect on myself and my choices. I have done many things in the last year and I am proud of where this year of my life ends and the next chapter begins.

The last year has allowed me to take a very critical eye to my life and cut and mend it to exactly what I want. I know where I stand with myself and I know what I need. I have purged social media lists, removing narrow-minded “friends” who aren’t serving a purpose for me. I deleted the Facebook app off my phone and can no longer doom scroll during work and be overwhelmed of people leading perfect social media lives. I sifted out the fakes and liars because I don’t need them and find them exhausting. Frankly, I don’t have time for them and I don’t care they are gone. Setting boundaries was therapeutic. Being candid is a must for me.

I’ve have been selfish the last year. I impulsively decided to get an MBA, knowing the commitment would be strenuous. In “Legally Blonde” when the law professor says, “Do you think she woke up one day and said ‘I think I’ll go to law school today,’?” This is me and my MBA; I love having this in common with Elle Woods. Purely the decision to attend classes has paid off in compensation and responsibilities. I said yes to promotions and new titles because I was confident it was right and what I wanted to do. While I feel like my hair is on fire most days and my personal and professional calendars are jammed pack, I know these are good things. I know the chaos will not last forever and that the challenges I face each day are setting me up for wild success in the future. It is a new form of patience, but the practice insightful.

I sought more ways to help, even though it feels like the world is going to hell in handbasket most days. I gave blood a handful of times (and encourage others to if they can!) and chose more eco-friendly products that help the planet (PSA- shampoo and conditioner bars are awesome). I was appointed to a volunteer city-board to help my neighbors get fences installed and decks covered, even if the rules technically say they can’t. I continue to look for more ways to help others, not just in an immediate sense but with long-sustaining and meaningful donations and actions.

I found more ways to make myself happy without having to rely on others or a social scene, slowing down to savor moments: a glass of wine in the inflatable pool, a novel in the hammock, a game around the campfire, a new recipe on the stove. I still enjoy a good conversation, but with so many people so far away I learned more self-sufficient happiness. I discovered new podcasts and audiobooks to multitask through a walk with the dogs or a lunchbreak in peace. There are an abundance of ways to personally develop further and I have just begun to scratch the surface.

Most importantly, I have figured out exactly who I am and where I stand. And I don’t care what others think of me. I’m comfortable with my strengths and what I have to offer others; years of others making fun of my strengths has finally paid off. I care less and less what others think of me. I have reached the point in my life where all the weird tendencies I always had are rewarded at work and in my personal life. I am tremendously grateful for both the self-acceptance and appreciation of others.

I am unabashedly proud of where I landed during 27. But with that, I bid you adieu, 27. I hope 28 is just as great.

A Walk with My Thoughts

I love to walk. It’s my favorite form of physical activity and the multi-tasker in me loves that I can usually do something else while I walk: call my mom, listen to an armchair podcaster sleuth solve a murder, breeze through a juicy audiobook, and walk at least one (if not both) of my dogs. But today I took a walk with just my thoughts – no dog, no headphones, nothing. Just me and my brain. Given too much time to think, some people get into their own head. Not me (at least not today). I needed the time to sort through my thoughts with nothing else to cloud my mind. How did I end up on a walk in the middle of the workday thinking about what I plan to do this year? Well, I’m not good at working from home. I need home at home and work at work. And work from home doesn’t operate like that. Working from home has made me anxious and some days are downright unproductive: I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t process. Today being one of those days. So I went for a walk. It’s pretty easy to walk and process thoughts at the same time. When I am in the office I take walking breaks during the day to clear my head and come up with solutions to problems.

After working from home for a few months (for the second time), I hit a breaking point today. It happened last year too and if this pandemic continues into next year, I guarantee I will reach this point again. I run face first into utter and complete burnout working from home. Some people are great at it and downright love it. I do not. I do like working in sweatpants. If we could make sweatpants part of business causal, I am all ears. The dress code policy is up for review this month… TBD. I woke up this morning and no amount of water, coffee, or lunch helped me so I headed out the door and hit the trusty trail (note: trail was not dusty. It was sloppy because, you know, it’s 50 degrees in February in Iowa and we had 25 feet of snow this winter). The weather was perfect for walking (and for thinking!).

So what did I think about on my walk? My to-do list for the year. I’ve never liked setting goals. Goals feel too rigid and strict and if I don’t accomplish them, then I have failed. Never mind the part where I could just decide to make it a longer term goal. Not achieving the goal in the allotted is failure. I know that isn’t necessarily true or how goals really work, but that’s how my brain has processed them for a long time. Goals make me itchy and anxious. Itchy anxious Bre can’t breathe, so I avoid that at all costs. Rather than think of things as “goals,” I think of them as items on a to-do list. I love a good to-do list and the more mundane stuff the better. Nothing gives me joy like crossing easy things off my list. Like “lunch.” I have never forgotten to eat lunch even once in my life so it really doesn’t belong on the list but crossing it off makes me happy so it stays. Also, I always include dinner on my to-do list as well.

This year’s to-do’s are all over the map, as they usually are. We are 2 months into the year and it is a good time to assess where I am. Some to-do list items are done and some are on pace and some are on hold. Some I have deliberately scratched out because my mental health matters to me and I can already tell some things won’t make a me happy. I would love 2021 to be the best year ever but if I am being honest with myself, then something has to give. And that means I will do more of what makes me happy and less of what makes me anxious. That means to-do’s that involve sunshine, books, and hammocks are in and to-do’s that make me cringe and require a computer 24/7 are out. If you need me, I will be in my backyard planting flowers and vegetables and building a rain barrel or sitting in my inflatable pool with a murder mystery book in hand (as soon as the snow is gone and the days hit 80 degrees!).

I had to write “goals” for work. I don’t see them as goals but more as projects with a deadline a year from the date they are written. In hindsight, I wish I had included “return to office” on my goals. I miss going to the office. I miss people dropping by my desk to ask a question and then staying to tell me more about their home improvement projects or how planning their daughter’s wedding is going. I miss meetings with snacks provided and retirement parties with cake and ice cream. I even sorta miss my cubicle neighbor constantly talking on the phone. He makes me seem less weird reading the Iowa Code and nursing facility regulations out loud to myself.

When the weather is perfect everyday I will dig into my next set of to-do’s for the year. In the mean time, I will continue to work from home. In my sweatpants. I will keep drinking too much coffee and watching the Food Network and crocheting a gigantic blanket with 4 miles of yarn in it. And walking. There will be lots and lots of walking in the year ahead. Because nothing clears my mind like a good walk with my thoughts.

Dumpster Fires Everywhere & Missing Tigers

I've been a news junkie since I was little. I would go to sleepovers in elementary school and ask if we could watch the national news at 5:30, preferably Tom Brokaw on NBC. To this day I love watching the news and have strong opinions on news anchors and a preference for who reports on certain breaking news topics. I love being in the know. I get up and watch the news before I head to work (and the first hour or so of my work from home life). I come home from work and watch the news at dinner. I get it, the news is usually depressing and there can be a lot happening and it might feel far away. Often those slow news days where they report something ridiculous about butter cow themes or the latest place to try a Viking taco (it's just lefse with plain ground beef for the record), I beg for different headlines. I know the cost of exciting news can be high - it's likely that someone's life is jeopardy or worse. 

The average day I use social media to keep up to date on the world happenings. This is how I found out on a car ride that Kobe Bryant had died. This is how I discovered there were COVID-19 business closures. I spend much more of my time on social media looking for the latest news updates than I do looking at your wedding photos, new babies, and fancy brunches. But lately, social media has been overwhelming. Like overwhelming to the point my mood was sour and my heart rate was up after I scrolled through it. I deleted several apps off my phone so that I could not obsessively check for updates. I make a conscious effort to go on Facebook and Twitter on my computer and I do it sparingly because I end up down a rabbit hole of information overload. The COVID-19 updates were bad. The George Floyd updates are worse. Every outlet is a dumpster fire all day long.

I'm not black and I can't pretend to know what it's like to be black. I can't fathom living life that carefully or consciously every single day. That doesn't mean I don't care. I ache for the people out there trying to exercise a fundamental right only to be run over by trucks and hit with teargas. I've seen some wonderfully organized protests turn violent in the blink of an eye. No one deserves that treatment. At the same time I hurt for my neighbor, a local cop, working 10 hour shifts during the day and SWAT team all night, running on a few hours of sleep each day. He has four kids under 10. I see the worry in each of their eyes. His wife sends me daily updates of how they are doing because her support networks are sparse. There's always room for more care. This is a trying time and the only way we get through it is working together because no man is an island entire of himself.

White people need to work harder to have compassion and be openly supportive, myself included. White people need to listen to what black people think and feel about racism. And I mean truly listen without judgment or assumption. Be open to the fact that not being white is tremendously harder than you ever thought and you have absolutely nothing to compare it to. I've found myself on the sidelines lately because I wasn't sure what to say. I was overwhelmed with the information overload and overanalyzing all of it. I decided a word vomit blog post might be needed to process and reconcile some thoughts. The headlines are nearby: Minneapolis, Des Moines, Davenport. These places matter to me and are too close to deem them insignificant. I needed to step up with a purpose. 

As a white person I want to work harder to more openly support oppressed people. I know I am not a racist but I put nothing out there to prove it. So here it is: I'm here for you. All of you, oppressed by whoever or whatever is holding you back, because of something you can't change. It might be the police; it might be your workplace; it might be your neighborhood; it might be the grocery store; it might be your family. Or maybe it is literally everywhere you go. You didn't sign up for assumptions and oppression and you certainly don't deserve it. You deserve to be treated with respect. And I am here to give it to you. This post is not perfect but I hope I am at least headed in the right direction. Hold me accountable if I'm off base.

I'm hopeful for a very different world and some very different (and uplifting!) news soon. Unrelated, it was reported a tiger went missing from the Oakland zoo this morning and it barely made the national headlines. I miss the days of boring news headlines. But a lot has to change - and it won't just be headlines - before we get more missing tiger commentary at the top of the hour.

Work Happier Not Harder

Recently I saw a news clip about middle school kids taking "career-ready" classes to get them a jumpstart into finding their dream job. While that is all fine and dandy, how many 12-14 year olds stick to their dream job? Are there any 12 year olds that dream of being an accountant, or even know what an accountant is? I have no idea. I also don't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up (minus the phase when I was 7 when I was pretty sure I could be a pioneer when I grew up, but that's a whole other story). I have been out of college for three and a half years now and I can say with certainty each job I have held since college has played a direct role in the position I have today. I am a compliance coordinator for a children's healthcare facility. I had no idea such a job existed when I was in middle school but I can't imagine a better place to take advantage of my skillset and interests.

My favorite part of my job is not the part where I write policies or edit practice manuals or schedule a monthly meeting with 17 people (all real things I have done this month). My favorite part of my job is the vision and passion I share with my coworkers. It takes a certain type of person to work where we do; that type of person does not thrive in every work environment, something I know from far too much experience. See, at my current employer, we all share the mindset of doing the right thing and helping others, with very little expected in return. The intangible feel good benefits of the workplace are one the biggest reasons I wanted to work there in the first place.

I only went job searching one Sunday night because I was fed up with being treated like crap and "not doing enough to get us another big bonus." I was turned off by the attitudes of my coworkers and how they had lost sight of helping people get their lives back. Sure, there were atypical perks to that place, like bringing my dog to work and periodic happy hours to celebrate successful settlements. The longer I am in the workplace the more I realize company culture can make or break an entire job for someone. I realized it didn't matter how much fun my workplace seemed. I wasn't happy. I saw the perfect opportunity for myself and I took it without looking back. 

I am very thankful for all the jobs I have held in this world. They have all gotten me to where I am today. I am ungodly grateful to finally be in a place where my values are matched and my enthusiasm for doing to the right thing is the norm (with only warm fuzzies to show for my efforts sometimes!). I love having lower blood pressure and fewer bouts of anxiety over excess emails about how I should be prioritizing my day. I love how my boss tells me about the compliments and positive feedback others share with him about me as an employee. (100% performance evaluation after 90 days, thank you.) I love how the president of the company isn't too good to make the coffee each morning. I love how the CEO stops at my desk just because she randomly thought about me while she was driving to an appointment 2 hours ago. I love how my 85 year old cubicle neighbor doesn't want to retire because she enjoys her coworkers so much. I love that I love my job enough to enjoy showing up early to get more things done. 

I love that I finally love my job. Period.

Blue Ovals

Blue ovals have been a part of my life since 2001. The first blue oval I ever ran on was the mile run in PE in first day. The high school track was being resurfaced so we ran at Luther. I don’t know why I remember that, but I do. Perhaps it is because I set the first grade girls mile run record that day (mostly I was clueless and just kept running until someone stopped me). I lost that record years later but I am pretty confident I still have the second grade shuttle run record so I’m basically a legend in my elementary school. I realize now how important that particular blue oval and later other blue ovals have become to me.

I remember high school teammates working year-round to be able to run at the state meet. I had been to the state meet several times before and there is never a dull moment. I have spent countless hours "picking" the winner of the heat on the track, rarely winning against my friends' picks. Watching the boys team win the high school state title my senior year comes back to mind instantly (along with a lot of horrible sunburn lines going into graduation the next weekend). I have never yelled so much or so loud in my life but when your team is out there competing, you do what you can to help on the sidelines.

Then I went to college where I met another blue oval. It was the same blue oval I ran on as a 7 year old but it had a different meaning to me now. I wasn’t planning to go out for track at Luther. I didn’t know anyone else on the team and I was pretty intimidated by fall workouts. I started going on long runs through the neighborhoods around campus. Eventually, the head coach saw me run past his house a bunch of times and sent me an email suggesting I go out for track. I relented and went out. It is one of the best decisions of my life.

The vast majority of my college memories come from the blue oval or the people I met on it. I have no idea how many miles I ran on that oval. I don’t even know the number of workouts. What I do know is that I made some lasting friendships from the people I met there. During my college years I knew everything about everyone in my running group. And I mean everything. Looking at you, Samantha Ea. These people ran with me, cheered with me, cried with me. Some even threw up near me. I can't even begin to fathom how many of them have seen the lower half of my butt while I was in the starting blocks or after a race with spandex half way up my behind. These are my people. These were the people I went on ice cream runs with (track pun right there!). These are the people who fill my college house party experience. #longlivenakedhouse These people ate meals with me every single night after workouts. They understood me when no one else did. Now, I miss seeing them every single day. I would have never known them without the blue oval.

This weekend marks the 110th Annual Drake Relays. I remember years’ worth of friends working their hardest to make the cutoff times and head to Des Moines for the weekend to run on a huge stage of the Drake Relays. I don’t run to compete on that blue oval anymore and really, I don’t know a lot of people even competing anymore. But there is something special that happens every Drake Relays. Athletes rise to the occasion in unimaginable ways- not letting gale force winds or torrential downpours hold them back. The weather seems to be world’s best weather or world’s worst weather (sometimes both in a single day) the weekend of the Drake Relays. My husband and I were brought together by the blue oval in college. Now we go to the blue oval at the Drake Relays, seeing as it is less than 10 minutes from our house. There is truly something magical about the voice of Mike Jay and 8 lanes of blue polyurethane in front of a devoted fan base. The first year my husband and I went to the Drake Relays it poured. Continuously. For hours. We left early because we were frozen. We bought rain suits shortly after that trip too. But anyway, the first time we went to the Drake Relays we sat next to a couple that had been going to the Drake Relays for the last 60 consecutive years. Since everything is a competition have a long ways to go before we catch them. It's our weird, cute, annual track date. Blue ovals wouldn't matter to us if it weren't for the first blue oval that brought us together.

Some of my favorite memories and people are from blue ovals. I met some of the best and brightest and funniest people I know on blue ovals. Half my wedding party had a connection to blue ovals. Never underestimate the power of your own blue oval or green square or orange hexagon. 

Lately

I know. I haven't blogged in awhile. Some days I think, "I should really write a blog post tonight." But then nothing happens. I get sidetracked, my dogs are extra needy, something needs a desperate cleaning, etc., etc. You get the picture. So I haven't published anything in awhile.

A week or so ago I was reading another person's blog. It was actually a blog for nurses, far reach from my own employment in a law firm, but an interesting read nonetheless. I don't remember the topic of the post but a single comment has stuck with me more than a week later. "It's easy to write when things aren't going well." It was something to that effect.

And that is the absolute truth. The last few years have been anything but easy, as demonstrated by the first posts on my blog; similar issues nagged at me up through last year. Things have been going really well lately. Sure, I feel the every day stresses of being an adult. Work is never easy as I navigate a field I am still working to understand. Everyone's work is challenging somedays so this doesn't make me special. If every day was a piece of cake we wouldn't call it work. (Side note: we had carrot cake yesterday at work and it was delicious. Hit the spot.) Owning a home comes with its own set of challenges as I prioritize what projects need to be accomplished by when and decide whether something is a major issue or minor inconvenience. Maintaining a car is a simple task anymore as I order new tires online and schedule an oil change. Compared to the greater world, my problems are small potatoes (which are my favorite food so I am more than happy to call myself that).

Nothing in my life is so strenuous or taxing or debilitating that I need to blog lately. I had one job recently where there was something to blog about nearly daily because I was so overwhelmed by every single task in my life. I was stressed to the point of not eating or sleeping. I have neither of those problems now. Sure, my days are full as I work almost full time and take 3 classes at a local community college but these are choices I have made and I have adequate resources to make sure my bases are covered in all aspects of life.

I'm sorry if you have been hoping for more thought provoking content these days. My life is too good right now. I don't want this blog to be a place I sit around and brag about all my current accomplishments and expect you to post congratulatory remarks when I share it on Facebook. I am here to offer my insights and advice. It probably goes without mentioning that I like my life right now and don't want to be inundated with sad and scary things that make for good writing.

I am working on more content (of happy and exciting things in my life!) and it is one of my goals this year to write more: blogging, journaling, and note writing. I also want to read more books and drink more coffee, and snuggle with my dogs. My year is off to great start, as I read my book this morning (highly recommend "The Great Alone"), drank my coffee, and snuggled my dogs. I wish you all a fabulous year ahead.

Paralegal Party

Back in May I decided I was going to go to paralegal school at a local community college. The program concept was simple: night classes for a year (because I already have a BA) and not terribly expensive. It was a slight impulse decision but it felt right at the time. This past summer has been long: I started a new job at law firm after Memorial Day, my basement flooded, my law firm underwent some serious structural changes where my job wasn't entirely secured yet, I got married, and took on a new job at the law firm. Nothing was stressful (just kidding, it all zapped my energy 24/7).

A few weeks ago I was worried I made the wrong choice. Like I said, it was a stressful summer and I could have used a break. I got married on a Saturday and paralegal classes started on Thursday. There was no time to rest and recoup: we were on the move and headed straight for more work. But I went to class the first day anyway. I knew I had time to drop out if I was completely overwhelmed; however, it did not feel like an option to me. I had committed to this decision and was going to stick to it.

My path to paralegal school after college graduation has been anything but straight: I've worked in retail, mortgage and real estate, financial advising, nannying, and file clerk. The legal side always appealed to me but it wasn't until I was in paralegal class, discussing tenants in common, the three branches of government, and beneficiaries that I realized I was exactly where I needed to be. Paralegal classes bring together all the pieces of my work history. So far, I can tie every class to another time in my life where I was expected to be an expert in a particular field. I have always prided myself on being knowledgeable in my job, even when I did not totally love it.

I know far too much about too many things but for some reason they are all relevant in class. Just last night in my introduction to law and the legal system I noticed how far ahead I am of some of my classmates, just because I am who I am. My professor was lecturing on the branches of government. My classmates were feverishly taking notes on what the branches were and the very short accompanying summary of functions. The girl next to me kept glancing at my paper, wondering when I was going to start taking some notes. I am not even a little sorry that my dad is a government teacher and I have known the three branches of government since first grade. I had no idea what the terms meant then, but I knew them.

My true government geek showed when the professor said it was nerdy it carry around a copy of the Constitution. I had to pretend I too don't do that. You never know when you need it honestly. This is the first and only time it has paid off. I didn't actually say it out loud that I had a copy but in a meeting later this semester I can let it slip that I carry one too. But this silly fact is just further confirmation I'm headed in the right direction.

So, I am where I need to be. It feels nice. I'm not used to this kind of flow but I'm growing more accustomed to it. It was impulse decision in May but one I fully embrace now. Will I be pretty busy working full time and going to school full time and studying over the next year? Yes. But it is only for one year. I can survive.