I love to walk. It’s my favorite form of physical activity and the multi-tasker in me loves that I can usually do something else while I walk: call my mom, listen to an armchair podcaster sleuth solve a murder, breeze through a juicy audiobook, and walk at least one (if not both) of my dogs. But today I took a walk with just my thoughts – no dog, no headphones, nothing. Just me and my brain. Given too much time to think, some people get into their own head. Not me (at least not today). I needed the time to sort through my thoughts with nothing else to cloud my mind. How did I end up on a walk in the middle of the workday thinking about what I plan to do this year? Well, I’m not good at working from home. I need home at home and work at work. And work from home doesn’t operate like that. Working from home has made me anxious and some days are downright unproductive: I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t process. Today being one of those days. So I went for a walk. It’s pretty easy to walk and process thoughts at the same time. When I am in the office I take walking breaks during the day to clear my head and come up with solutions to problems.
After working from home for a few months (for the second time), I hit a breaking point today. It happened last year too and if this pandemic continues into next year, I guarantee I will reach this point again. I run face first into utter and complete burnout working from home. Some people are great at it and downright love it. I do not. I do like working in sweatpants. If we could make sweatpants part of business causal, I am all ears. The dress code policy is up for review this month… TBD. I woke up this morning and no amount of water, coffee, or lunch helped me so I headed out the door and hit the trusty trail (note: trail was not dusty. It was sloppy because, you know, it’s 50 degrees in February in Iowa and we had 25 feet of snow this winter). The weather was perfect for walking (and for thinking!).
So what did I think about on my walk? My to-do list for the year. I’ve never liked setting goals. Goals feel too rigid and strict and if I don’t accomplish them, then I have failed. Never mind the part where I could just decide to make it a longer term goal. Not achieving the goal in the allotted is failure. I know that isn’t necessarily true or how goals really work, but that’s how my brain has processed them for a long time. Goals make me itchy and anxious. Itchy anxious Bre can’t breathe, so I avoid that at all costs. Rather than think of things as “goals,” I think of them as items on a to-do list. I love a good to-do list and the more mundane stuff the better. Nothing gives me joy like crossing easy things off my list. Like “lunch.” I have never forgotten to eat lunch even once in my life so it really doesn’t belong on the list but crossing it off makes me happy so it stays. Also, I always include dinner on my to-do list as well.
This year’s to-do’s are all over the map, as they usually are. We are 2 months into the year and it is a good time to assess where I am. Some to-do list items are done and some are on pace and some are on hold. Some I have deliberately scratched out because my mental health matters to me and I can already tell some things won’t make a me happy. I would love 2021 to be the best year ever but if I am being honest with myself, then something has to give. And that means I will do more of what makes me happy and less of what makes me anxious. That means to-do’s that involve sunshine, books, and hammocks are in and to-do’s that make me cringe and require a computer 24/7 are out. If you need me, I will be in my backyard planting flowers and vegetables and building a rain barrel or sitting in my inflatable pool with a murder mystery book in hand (as soon as the snow is gone and the days hit 80 degrees!).
I had to write “goals” for work. I don’t see them as goals but more as projects with a deadline a year from the date they are written. In hindsight, I wish I had included “return to office” on my goals. I miss going to the office. I miss people dropping by my desk to ask a question and then staying to tell me more about their home improvement projects or how planning their daughter’s wedding is going. I miss meetings with snacks provided and retirement parties with cake and ice cream. I even sorta miss my cubicle neighbor constantly talking on the phone. He makes me seem less weird reading the Iowa Code and nursing facility regulations out loud to myself.
When the weather is perfect everyday I will dig into my next set of to-do’s for the year. In the mean time, I will continue to work from home. In my sweatpants. I will keep drinking too much coffee and watching the Food Network and crocheting a gigantic blanket with 4 miles of yarn in it. And walking. There will be lots and lots of walking in the year ahead. Because nothing clears my mind like a good walk with my thoughts.
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