I bid you “Adieu,” 27

As my birthday approaches and year 27 comes to a close, I hope to look back on this age many years from now and remember it as fondly as I do now. While the last year has been hard for many reasons, I have been grateful for the (ample) time to reflect on myself and my choices. I have done many things in the last year and I am proud of where this year of my life ends and the next chapter begins.

The last year has allowed me to take a very critical eye to my life and cut and mend it to exactly what I want. I know where I stand with myself and I know what I need. I have purged social media lists, removing narrow-minded “friends” who aren’t serving a purpose for me. I deleted the Facebook app off my phone and can no longer doom scroll during work and be overwhelmed of people leading perfect social media lives. I sifted out the fakes and liars because I don’t need them and find them exhausting. Frankly, I don’t have time for them and I don’t care they are gone. Setting boundaries was therapeutic. Being candid is a must for me.

I’ve have been selfish the last year. I impulsively decided to get an MBA, knowing the commitment would be strenuous. In “Legally Blonde” when the law professor says, “Do you think she woke up one day and said ‘I think I’ll go to law school today,’?” This is me and my MBA; I love having this in common with Elle Woods. Purely the decision to attend classes has paid off in compensation and responsibilities. I said yes to promotions and new titles because I was confident it was right and what I wanted to do. While I feel like my hair is on fire most days and my personal and professional calendars are jammed pack, I know these are good things. I know the chaos will not last forever and that the challenges I face each day are setting me up for wild success in the future. It is a new form of patience, but the practice insightful.

I sought more ways to help, even though it feels like the world is going to hell in handbasket most days. I gave blood a handful of times (and encourage others to if they can!) and chose more eco-friendly products that help the planet (PSA- shampoo and conditioner bars are awesome). I was appointed to a volunteer city-board to help my neighbors get fences installed and decks covered, even if the rules technically say they can’t. I continue to look for more ways to help others, not just in an immediate sense but with long-sustaining and meaningful donations and actions.

I found more ways to make myself happy without having to rely on others or a social scene, slowing down to savor moments: a glass of wine in the inflatable pool, a novel in the hammock, a game around the campfire, a new recipe on the stove. I still enjoy a good conversation, but with so many people so far away I learned more self-sufficient happiness. I discovered new podcasts and audiobooks to multitask through a walk with the dogs or a lunchbreak in peace. There are an abundance of ways to personally develop further and I have just begun to scratch the surface.

Most importantly, I have figured out exactly who I am and where I stand. And I don’t care what others think of me. I’m comfortable with my strengths and what I have to offer others; years of others making fun of my strengths has finally paid off. I care less and less what others think of me. I have reached the point in my life where all the weird tendencies I always had are rewarded at work and in my personal life. I am tremendously grateful for both the self-acceptance and appreciation of others.

I am unabashedly proud of where I landed during 27. But with that, I bid you adieu, 27. I hope 28 is just as great.

A Walk with My Thoughts

I love to walk. It’s my favorite form of physical activity and the multi-tasker in me loves that I can usually do something else while I walk: call my mom, listen to an armchair podcaster sleuth solve a murder, breeze through a juicy audiobook, and walk at least one (if not both) of my dogs. But today I took a walk with just my thoughts – no dog, no headphones, nothing. Just me and my brain. Given too much time to think, some people get into their own head. Not me (at least not today). I needed the time to sort through my thoughts with nothing else to cloud my mind. How did I end up on a walk in the middle of the workday thinking about what I plan to do this year? Well, I’m not good at working from home. I need home at home and work at work. And work from home doesn’t operate like that. Working from home has made me anxious and some days are downright unproductive: I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t process. Today being one of those days. So I went for a walk. It’s pretty easy to walk and process thoughts at the same time. When I am in the office I take walking breaks during the day to clear my head and come up with solutions to problems.

After working from home for a few months (for the second time), I hit a breaking point today. It happened last year too and if this pandemic continues into next year, I guarantee I will reach this point again. I run face first into utter and complete burnout working from home. Some people are great at it and downright love it. I do not. I do like working in sweatpants. If we could make sweatpants part of business causal, I am all ears. The dress code policy is up for review this month… TBD. I woke up this morning and no amount of water, coffee, or lunch helped me so I headed out the door and hit the trusty trail (note: trail was not dusty. It was sloppy because, you know, it’s 50 degrees in February in Iowa and we had 25 feet of snow this winter). The weather was perfect for walking (and for thinking!).

So what did I think about on my walk? My to-do list for the year. I’ve never liked setting goals. Goals feel too rigid and strict and if I don’t accomplish them, then I have failed. Never mind the part where I could just decide to make it a longer term goal. Not achieving the goal in the allotted is failure. I know that isn’t necessarily true or how goals really work, but that’s how my brain has processed them for a long time. Goals make me itchy and anxious. Itchy anxious Bre can’t breathe, so I avoid that at all costs. Rather than think of things as “goals,” I think of them as items on a to-do list. I love a good to-do list and the more mundane stuff the better. Nothing gives me joy like crossing easy things off my list. Like “lunch.” I have never forgotten to eat lunch even once in my life so it really doesn’t belong on the list but crossing it off makes me happy so it stays. Also, I always include dinner on my to-do list as well.

This year’s to-do’s are all over the map, as they usually are. We are 2 months into the year and it is a good time to assess where I am. Some to-do list items are done and some are on pace and some are on hold. Some I have deliberately scratched out because my mental health matters to me and I can already tell some things won’t make a me happy. I would love 2021 to be the best year ever but if I am being honest with myself, then something has to give. And that means I will do more of what makes me happy and less of what makes me anxious. That means to-do’s that involve sunshine, books, and hammocks are in and to-do’s that make me cringe and require a computer 24/7 are out. If you need me, I will be in my backyard planting flowers and vegetables and building a rain barrel or sitting in my inflatable pool with a murder mystery book in hand (as soon as the snow is gone and the days hit 80 degrees!).

I had to write “goals” for work. I don’t see them as goals but more as projects with a deadline a year from the date they are written. In hindsight, I wish I had included “return to office” on my goals. I miss going to the office. I miss people dropping by my desk to ask a question and then staying to tell me more about their home improvement projects or how planning their daughter’s wedding is going. I miss meetings with snacks provided and retirement parties with cake and ice cream. I even sorta miss my cubicle neighbor constantly talking on the phone. He makes me seem less weird reading the Iowa Code and nursing facility regulations out loud to myself.

When the weather is perfect everyday I will dig into my next set of to-do’s for the year. In the mean time, I will continue to work from home. In my sweatpants. I will keep drinking too much coffee and watching the Food Network and crocheting a gigantic blanket with 4 miles of yarn in it. And walking. There will be lots and lots of walking in the year ahead. Because nothing clears my mind like a good walk with my thoughts.